Shyzer, M. et al.
Scientists are keeping a close eye on a charismatic quark which has amassed a large following of elementary disciples using what researchers call the ‘strong narcissistic force’.
“Using this force, the quark has been able to coerce particles into behaving in ways they otherwise would not,” says particle physicist Tanya Adamas, “such as leaving their families, shaving their heads, or having mass.”
Many followers were initially attracted to the quark’s positive message, centered around a philosophy of eternal life where energy cannot be created or destroyed. But the quark’s teachings soon began to deviate from the standard model into dark prophecies and doomsday scenarios, warning against the coming of the anti-tau and predicting the imminent destruction of the universe at midnight on January 1st of the year 1.999e10 [1].
Former followers have accused the quark of isolating particles and ranking them in a system of tiers, or ‘valances’, with only a select few being allowed into the innermost circle. Devotees are expected to break all other bonds and treat the self-ordained god particle as the centre of their lives. Those who try to leave are threatened with annihilation.
The allegations are disturbing, but not entirely surprising, according to Adamas. “The narcissistic force is incredibly strong, even stronger than the strong nuclear force,” she says. “It may be the strongest force in the universe, but anyone who has an Instagram account already knows that.”
The investigation into the quark’s activities continues, but at this time authorities are unsure whether the particle can be charged.
