Graham, L. et al
Epidemiologists across the globe are growing concerned that even the most stringent health guidelines may not be able to stop a new wave of newly single adults from smashin’ bits now that they’re out of the apartment they shared with their ex.
“Of course, a less intense version of this phenomenon happens regularly, with normal functions like senior prom, spring break, and the theatrical release of Fifty Shades of Grey,” said Dr. Leila Allen, a sexpert at Harvard University. “This is like all of those put together, on a scale never seen before, and that we may never see again.” Dr. Allen then stared off, seemingly haunted by the prospect.
The nation’s leading experts are forecasting an unprecedented rush of sexual frustration that will hit night clubs, bars, and introduce cringey new pick-up line variants onto unsuspecting citizens.
Sex meteorologist Richard Sprinkle, a researcher at “Horny Ground Zero,” Florida State University, explains further.
“Every year, phallic clouds and warm air pockets mix together and eventually form precipitate,” says Sprinkle, “But this year, the clouds were engorged way past the previous record, and, even more terrifyingly, we’ve never seen air pockets this moist.” Sprinkle says the impact has the potential to level entire cities.
Sociologist Dr. Areeba Radwan confirms the desperation, explaining that “in particular, women’s expectations are so low that they will let you explain their field of expertise back to them.”
Dr. Radwan says that those caught in what some are calling the “horny stormy” may experience anything from “mind-numbing precoital flirtation” to “having a guy with a sunglasses tan pitch you his startup” to “spontaneous acoustic guitar solos.”
Dr. Radwan also notes that new strains of STDs are also emerging, including one that’s just called “Josh,” after the guy who is credited with the outbreak. When reached out for comment, Josh said, “Oh, for real? Dope,” and went back to trying to fit a whole slice of pizza in his mouth.
