Ito, R., Graham, L. et al.
After extensive lobbying from your mother, governments from around the world have approved funding for a new research centre dedicated to tackling the single biggest issue facing nations today; why you’re still single. The centre will employ the latest in invasive research techniques to find out what’s stopping your from settling down with someone nice, and when you will give your mother grandchildren [1].
“This need for this institute has never been greater,” announced your mom at the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the facility. “Some have said that the issue will resolve itself naturally, but time is running out. Between the limited years of human fertility and my inevitable death, I may never get to experience being a grandparent!”
Reportedly, your mother has assembled a team of behavioural psychologists, dating experts and an ex of yours that she really, really liked to determine why none of your relationships have ended in marriage [2].
“I initially took the job because I was led to believe we would be saving an endangered species,” said David Palewood, a conservationist who’s been placed in charge of going over your dismal dating site profiles. “But honestly, this is a lot more work than the impending extinction of the Amur leopard.”
While the centre’s main project of getting you to settle down regardless of whether or not you’re ready is projected to take a few years, your mom has assured us that there will be several other important studies undertaken at the centre, including convincing your friends DeAnne and Randy that they’d make such gorgeous children [3].
In related news, your dad is pre-occupied with his own meta-analysis of why his team didn’t make the playoffs. He is the sole researcher on the project.
