Office, E. et al.
After years of being confined inside the permafrost of an icy tundra, a hardy little bacteria, dormant for millions of years, is hoping that recent global warming will finally allow it to visit its dream destination, New York City.
The pathogenic microbe capable of killing tens of thousands was first located by leading North Pole biologist Maisie Frost, who found the words “SOON” etched in the ice while examining arctic samples.
“This discovery was truly shocking!” exclaimed Dr. Frost.
Dr. Frost’s team returned to the site where the ice sample had been collected and via novel communication methods discussed in Frost et. al. (2019), contact was initiated with the author of the message. Turns out it was a friendly but highly toxic pathogen named Tim who says he has been trapped under ice for approximately three million years.
“I’ve always wanted to see the Big Apple and all the people I could infect,” said Tim, licking his tiny proto-mouth lips. “I’d on a rent-controlled subway turnstile, or perhaps on a warm slice of authentic New York style pizza.”
All that’s holding Tim back from his dreams are a few, rapidly receding inches of arctic ice. In this context, Tim wished to share his upmost appreciation to humanity: “Keep up the good work. Remember: drive lots and don’t recycle. See you soon, New York!”
While Tim is excited about the impact of global warming may have on his entrapment, he remains only cautiously optimistic about the possibility of escape. It was painful for him to recall man’s discovery of fire and the Industrial Revolution, two eras in which he thought the ice might finally melt and make that NYC adventure possible.
“But now that humanity seems firmly committed to raising global temperatures, we could finally get back to the balmy temperatures of the Eocene Epoch!” exclaimed Tim.
Alarmed at Tim’s plans, the Frost Lab immediately called the CDC, who told them to place Tim in a padlocked refrigerator until they could begin construction on the world’s largest air conditioner.
