Connolly, L. et al.
During a lecture on the etymology of ‘hello world’ in JavaScript Tuesday, computer science freshman Dylan Garcia was shocked when his professor asked the class if they knew where the “any” key was on the keyboard of a three-thousand-dollar PC.
“I’d Google it, but my screen is locked until I find this mysterious ‘any’ key,” said Dr. Henry Croyden to his CS-110 student. “Does anyone have any ideas? I’d ask the I.T. office, but they blacklisted me after last time.”
Further investigation yielded that Dr. Croyden submitted a whopping 5,774 I.T. requests between his hiring on November 23, 1992 and an unknown event in April.
“Dr. Croyden couldn’t tell a laptop from a toaster,” claimed information services manager Sharon Barnes. “No really, he sent one in asking if Sunbeam made a new line of computers when they replaced the toaster in the break room.”
Other computer complaints from the professor include “geometry malware on the office PC” (resolved when an employee downloaded a different screensaver), “dead classroom computers” (resolved when an employee powered them back on), and “crumbs under keyboard” (resolved when an employee engaged in “repeated percussive maintenance”).
When asked what the aforementioned ‘last time’ the professor submitted a request actually was, Garcia cryptically replied, “I can’t blame him, really. You get a Nigerian prince in your inbox offering you a research grant, sometimes you haven’t got the heart to say no.”
