Medicine

“If you want the satisfaction of having outlived virtually all of your friends and family, be sure to eat only fruit, vegetables, nuts, leafy greens and water.”

“I slept fine. I wish everyone would stop asking”

“That kid will never learn how to get nutrients for itself if Cheryl keeps this up.”

“Trust me, you don’t need to remember more than four seconds back to figure out that existence is suffering”

The woman in question did not blind me with science. Rather, despite her repeated warnings against it, I blinded myself by staring directly into the sun during a solar eclipse.

“We were facing a tough quarter, and we needed a revenue booster, and someone suggested Vitamin D as a joke”

Dads everywhere took time out from reading the paper in front of a muted 24-hour news broadcast to announce that you have no reason to be sad given how good you have it here in in this country, you ingrate.

“We now ask that each new applicant to Heaven comes prepared to show their vaccination records.”