Graham, L. et al.
Local sparrow Screeeeée Twoot was stunned after a DNA test revealed that 90% of his genetics are from the Tonga Ground Skink (Tachygyia bitch-assius) [1], a tiny lizard scientifically determined to be the worst skink, and not from a Tyrannosaurus rex as his family has claimed for generations.
“I can’t believe it. Part Italian, sure, our dark features, ya know? But mostly skink?” said Twoot, who says the revelation caused him to reject his family’s Jurassic nationalism.
Twoot says that the findings make sense, in retrospect, given that sparrows and skinks are about 30,000 times smaller than a Tyrannosaurus Rex. It may also help explain why instead of tearing open prey with their beaks, like dinosaurs, the Twoots delicately gum their prey to death [2].
The other 10% of Twoot’s DNA is from the cuckoo bird, which he says sheds some light on why his grandfather Chrrrrip was several times the size of all the other Twoot males, and also a womanizing alcoholic.
A second shock came when DNA revealed that Twoot is distantly related a serial killer still at large. The sparrow shares several DNA markers with The Hartford Headhunter, an unknown “birderer” who brutally beheaded several pigeons in Connecticut in the early 1990s. Twoot claims no knowledge of the murder, and is currently cooperating with the investigation.
