Gasparini, A., Singh, A., Springer, D., Island, J., Ito, R., Graham, L. et al
Earlier this month a team of researchers came across a mysterious “bird-ish” creature deep within the Amazon rainforest — but the creature’s proportions and behaviours were so disgusting that the researchers immediately wanted to un-discover it.
“With the bird, it’s hard to explain why it’s so disturbing,” said lead researcher Terry Norus, choking back vomit. “It has a beak that feels like a mouldy cucumber, with humanesque teeth. And it’s always expelling feces. Always.”
Beyond its obviously repulsive physical appearance of a vulture-like bald head and diarrhea -green feathers, Norus also says they have never encountered a bird quite as irritating as this one.
“I no longer believe in the science of birds.”
Famed ornithologist Ludwig Von Drake on the discovery
Described as a “straight up bully,” the bird comes across its food supplies through stealing from other local animal species and leaving behind its signature tag “Feather Flock My Egg Hole, Bitch,” written in it’s own diarrhea-coloured feathers so their literate victims know what hit them.
“The bird is also always ‘on,’” said Norus, “it’s always trying to get our attention by one-upping whatever we say.” Norus also says the creature is less of a songbird, more of a screambird.
The researchers dubbed the species Birdthatisa uglydumbass aka “yo mama bird,” clarifying that it’s not a latin name indicating the genus or anything, just a description of how they sort of feel about it.
While they refused to take or bring back any pictures of the discovery, Birdthatisa uglydumbass has been described as having the “most unbelievably soulless eyes ever come across in nature” and as being “large enough that its size is disturbing for a bird, but not quite large enough to be fun like an ostrich.”
“Plus, its legs aren’t quite long enough to be hot like an ostrich,” chimed in another researcher.
“I no longer believe in the science of birds,” said famed ornithologist Ludwig Von Drake. “We were so preoccupied with whether or not we could discover new species, we didn’t stop to think, what if there was a bird so horrible it made you want to die?”
“My job is to study the flora and fauna and bring them into public knowledge, but this one… this one should’ve remained unknown to man,” weeped a member of the research expedition Jake McMiller when asked about the discovery. “This bird isn’t just ugly and stupid in the way a pigeon is, this bird is wrong. This bird makes a shit-covered pigeon look like a goddamn phoenix.”
Currently, a petition for un-discovery has over 1 million signatures but scientific experts say while Uglydumbass can be officially un-discovered, it can never be unseen.
