Darren Springer

Leading Source Of Global Warming Revealed To Be Your Ex-Wife Looking Hot As Hell Since The Divorce

May 28, 2019 Darren Springer

Scientists warn Shelley could get so hot that she becomes a realtor, or a pharmaceutical rep.

Nation’s Dads Announce That Depression Can Be Treated By Snapping The Hell Out Of It And Not Feeling So Damn Sorry For Yourself

May 14, 2019 Darren Springer

Dads everywhere took time out from reading the paper in front of a muted 24-hour news broadcast to announce that you have no reason to be sad given how good you have it here in in this country, you ingrate.

Association Of Bachelor Scientists Thrilled To Announce Discovery Of The “Fedora Borealis”

April 28, 2019 Darren Springer

Inspiring! This Underprivileged Student Solved A Centuries-Old Math Problem Because His School Can’t Afford New Textbooks!

April 19, 2019 Darren Springer

“The textbook is so outdated that his SAT test scores won’t even get him into a safety school. But by 1857 standards? He’s an absolute savant.”

Engineers Develop Prosthetic Hand For Amputees Who Just Want To Stare At Their Hands While High

April 14, 2019 Darren Springer

“The standard prosthetic is far smoother than the average human hand, and lacks the wrinkles, hair and pockmarks that really blow your fucking mind”

Top Climatologist Says Reversing Global Warming Won’t Bring His Ex-Wife Allison Back, So Who Cares?

April 9, 2019 Darren Springer

Top Koopa Kingdom Psychologist Says Bowser Is Clearly An “Empath”

March 26, 2019 Darren Springer

Gene Therapy Shown To Improve Gene’s Relationship With His Mother

March 11, 2019 Darren Springer

Gene’s therapist is being heralded as a pioneer in the field.